Many put up with years of abuse before split

August 3, 2009 by admin
Filed under: ST Forum Letters 

EDITOR’S NOTE: This is a very good ST letter by Ms Dana Lam, President of AWARE.

Dana Lam has argued that the religious organization Focus on the Family seems to be advocating that to save marriages, we turn back the clock to a time when women stayed at home, had no career opportunities, had less rights than men, and were powerless against spousal abuse and male chauvinism.

Such medieval ideologies must be forcefully rebutted because they are inconsistent with our modern notion of human rights and gender equality.

ST letter by Dana Lam (Ms)
03 Aug 2009

I REFER to the letter by Focus On The Family last Thursday, ‘Why we value marriage but behave as if we don’t', which states: ‘Divorce, which was once viewed as a family tragedy, is now viewed as a new kind of success – an assertive move, especially by women, to take control of one’s life.’

We wonder what evidence Focus On The Family has for coming to this conclusion. The Direct Services arm of the Association of Women for Action and Research (Aware) regularly handles cases of women who seek help with troubled marriages. Most of them have put up with years of abuse of one kind or another, with cheating or absent husbands, or inadequate financial support for the family. These women typically put off any thought of divorce because they believe in keeping the family intact for the sake of the children.

It is usually the women who come forward for help to salvage troubled marriages. Sadly, the men often refuse or are resistant to help. Only after many attempts to reach out for solutions do some women conclude that there is no choice but to divorce. For them, there is relief when the legal battle is over, but invariably they wish this decision was never placed on them.

We agree that ‘what distinguishes a good marriage from a bad one is how the couple are able to resolve differences’. But when a marriage is bad, there must be the option to step out of it. The woman who finds herself trapped in an abusive, humiliating marriage should take control of her life.

Focus On The Family appears to imply that moving away from stereotyping gender roles is what leads to unhappy marriages and divorce, because it causes ‘confusion as to how to be men and women in the family today’. This sounds like advocating a return to the days when the man was the breadwinner and the woman stayed at home and cooked and cleaned and cared for the children.

We cannot turn back the clock. The world has changed, economic activity has changed, gender roles have changed. Women go out to work as much because their families need the income as because they want to achieve their full potential. The responsibility for childcare, for keeping the family intact and the marriage fulfilling must be shared equally between men and women.

Dana Lam (Ms)
President
Association of Women for Action and Research (Aware)

Don’t tar all women who end marriage as self-centred

ST letter by Esther Ho (Ms)
03 Aug 2009

I REFER to last Thursday’s letter by Focus On The Family, ‘Why we value marriage but behave as if we don’t’. While I agree with most of the sentiments expressed, women in bad marriages who choose divorce are not opting for the easy way out, nor are they trying to reassert control over their (shattered) lives.

Marriage and indeed family is the bedrock of any civilised society. We need good marriages and strong families to develop individuals who have been imbued with the correct values, to make their mark in society.

But while it takes two to agree to start a marriage, it takes only one to end it. Once either party breaks the marriage vows – through infidelity, physical abuse or abandonment – it will not do any good for the other party to hope or pray for the straying party to re-enter or rebuild the marriage unless the latter wishes to do the right thing with the utmost remorse, honesty and repentance.

Tarring all women who file for divorce as self-centred individuals who are preoccupied with their own independence or success is unjust and untrue.

Often divorce is the last resort because, unfortunately, only the court system can enforce child maintenance and alimony.

Divorce is still very much a family tragedy, and what is more tragic is that the party who initiates the divorce may not be the one who files the legal papers.

Esther Ho (Ms)

Why we value marriage but behave as if we don’t

ST letter by Noelle Kong (Ms)
30 July 2009

THE article, ‘Break-ups spark marriage debate’ (July 20), should also raise the question of the value of marriage in Singapore. We agree with Dr Ron Haskins that ‘marriage has been under assault for a long time, but it has been holding up well’. A recent local survey revealed that marriage is still on the cards for the majority of Singaporean singles, even though divorce is also on the increase.

So why do we value marriage but act as if we don’t? Family historians and sociologists have identified some key shifts in social attitudes:

From marriage as an honoured institution that lays claims and responsibilities upon two people, it is now seen in our consumer age as a relational vehicle focused primarily on self-fulfilment.

Divorce, which was once viewed as a family tragedy, is now viewed as a new kind of success – an assertive move, especially by women, to take control of one’s life.

Cohabitation is the fastest growing family form today as a placeholder relationship until Mr/Miss Right comes along, or to see if Mr/Miss Right is really all that right. However, rather than strengthening marriage, cohabitation is more likely to harm it because the relationship is less defined in terms of commitment and solidity. Research consistently shows that the most sexually satisfied adults are married couples with no premarital sexual history. The trivialisation of premarital sex has unfortunately led us to unwittingly bring our sexual histories into the marriage bed, plaguing the relationship between husband and wife.

Sex and gender roles are less important with the view that marriage is not necessarily about children nor male or female. The result is confusion as to how to be men and women in the family today.

There is a virtual ocean of sociological, medical and psychological research data published over the last 40 years illuminating how marriage positively contributes to every vital measure of well-being for men and women, children and society at large. Interestingly, happy and unhappy couples experience similar amounts of marital conflict, involving similar issues. However, what distinguishes a good marriage from a bad one is how the couple are able to resolve these differences.

Marriage is still around because it is not simply a civil or religious institution; it is still relevant because of every person’s desire for genuine, deep intimacy with another, and for that connection to last – for a lifetime.

Noelle Kong (Ms)
Senior Manager (Communications)
Focus On The Family

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Comments

4 Comments on Many put up with years of abuse before split

  1. The Singapore Daily » Blog Archive » Daily SG: 4 Aug 2009 on Tue, 4th Aug 2009 11:11 am

    2. [...] Daily Discourse – Readings From A Political Duo-ble: Refugees should not be caned – A reply to UNSW Student Magazine, Tharunka – Military Life: United Against Terror: Divided by Defence? [Thanks Panzer] – Sgpolitics.net: Many put up with years of abuse before split [...]

  2. bacteria on Tue, 4th Aug 2009 2:00 pm

    3. What percentage of divorces are initiated by women who had put up with years of abuse?

    I think it is fair to say that this group is not what Ms Noelle had in mind. At least I hope not.

  3. Terence on Wed, 5th Aug 2009 2:46 pm

    4. well i think some common sense is needed when it comes to divorce.

    With marriage, cooperation from both parties is needed and if both are willing to work together, a marriage is worth saving. Perhaps thatis what FOTF is trying tosay?

    Of course, if the husband is abusive and does not wish to change, divorce becomes a viable option.

  4. The Singapore Daily » Blog Archive » Weekly Roundup: Week 32 on Sat, 8th Aug 2009 10:50 am

    5. [...] – Military Life: United Against Terror: Divided by Defence? [Thanks Panzer] – Sgpolitics.net: Many put up with years of abuse before split – The Temasek Review: Singapore conferred award on controversial Malaysian police chief – Siew Kum [...]

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